Back Again...

Salam everyone! Hoping you guys are all doing good and in the best of iman. :)

I'm sure it hasn't been that long, but it feels like it's been ages since I've had extra time to share anything with you guys here. Alhamdulillah for ending training for the past 2-3 weeks,  I have been having regular time with the Family. Which also means I've had no extra time to chillex and blog. But starting tomorrow, insha Allah I'm going to make it a point to better manage my time so I don't have long stretches of nothing here. There's so much I want to share with you guys. 

Anyway, I'm such a happy camper here having the luxury time with Mr Husband and the Children.! Time for bed now so I can start bright and early tomorrow insha Allah.

Good night for now! :)

Closet and Wardrobe.....

Everybody dreams of having an amazing wardrobe filled with colour coordinated bags, clothes and shoes.



 I was on the floor sitting in front of my closet the other day attempting to pull out pieces that I thought weren't decent to be worn anymore. Now decent is very subjective so I'm not going to get into that. But basically there were a few pair of pants, dresses and skirts that I struggled to take out and move into the pile of 'wear only at home', 'wear in the office' and 'wear only with husband'. I could just leave them hanging in my closet.. arghh...arghhh....will do it again on the next quite  Sunday...

Eid Mubarak...

Can you believe it's already 10th Hari Raya  already? How time flies huh. I kind of felt like Ramadan just zoomed passed us, but insha Allah it was another great one. It's always a bittersweet feeling for me when I hear the takbir because that means our special month of Ramadan has truly come to an end, and, the shaitans have come out to bug us all again, boooo them!

So I'm pretty sure I ate enough to cover the amount of food to cover my diertary needs for a week. How about you guys? So much for me listening to the imam during Eid prayers on watching your food intake during this time and nodding in agreement (yeahh rightttt). It's quite impossible to visit six houses and not eat at one because you don't want to hurt their feelings. Plus when there's a plate of lemang (glutinous rice) staring at me, it's quite an insult to the it if I didn't have some. And then right beside it is the table of kuihs (dessert and biscuits).

So while we have a really fun day, let's try our best to keep our Iman at a high even though we know how hard it is. So have an amazing day with our family and friends. May it be filled with Allah's baraqah, loads of salam greetings and smiles, finger licking food and a lot of love! :)

I am Letting You Go....

Close my Eyes.....Clear my Heart and Finally I Let It Go.....

I can't believe it, but the deeper I go into myself, the clearer I can see my soul. I've been chasing beauty and I am done doing that. I am letting beauty go. I have to understand that ONLY GOD is the sole reason I am alive.

After realising this, I told myself that I am letting beauty go and I am not going to chase for it anymore. OH MY GOSH, I felt it.... the sweet taste of freedom. I feel free. I know now that it is only through submitting to God that I am truly free... I am ready Allah... I am ready....

 It's time for me to let 'leadership' go... Just as I had to let go of beauty, I have to let go of 'leadership'. I want to be free from the shackles that I have built around myself.

Yes Allah, worshiping You is the only way to free my soul... You are the only thing worth pursuing. There is no more statute Gods that we worship, but there is a lot of the lowernafs (desires, lusts, ego etc) that have been pursued instead of You. 

It is clear now to me. Who I am depends on my relationship with God. I am a slave of God and that is truly freedom.... Freedom from my own insecurities that has kept me hostage/ prison for myself. 

HALAL & HARAM...LAWFUL & PROHIBITED....

How to begin the story....arghhhh...B awak ada Boy friend yer..What is his name?....For Sure haruslah ada...Do you want to know? His name is Ahmad Al Auzai'y..You nak kenal ke.. but sometimes I've been  ask with this type of question.......Are you married....are you single....What is your name?... this what always happen too me....the best thing is by smiling and answered Yes I'm Married with 3 children....Proud of it....

So whilst I praise and thank Allah for giving me Islam which allows me to seriously take a good look at myself and start taking achievable and attainable steps to work for a better 'real' live in the eternity .

For me i know that Love to HALAL is Lawful, and Love that is prohibited by Allah is HARAM..Lawful love is love between husband and wife and it is HALAL meanwhile the prohibited LOVE is the one that forbidden...This kind of love will bring to the cause of the collapse and disintegration to the family.For a wife to Love another woman's Husband and a Husband Loves another man's wife it has been going on and even been recorded by Allah in the Qur'an Al Karim. (surah Yusuf verses 23-35).

I realise that real terror is that I might just be stuck in Hell fire eternally. Not just any fire. Fire itself is something that I cannot bear even for a split second on this earth. What more if it's a fire specially prepared by Allah for all eternity. Oh my Gosh and before I get to the Hell fire, there is the audit of my accounts. Audit of all the deeds that I've done. Ya Allah, I am really really really scarred now... Please please please do not audit me. If you audit just one of my bad deed, I am gone! I am finished!!! I am done... I am doomed.... 

I would rather recite beautiful and truthful passages from the Qur'an that tells us about Jannah instead.  I know it's going to be hard, but if we really try Allah will make us succeed. Allah wants us to come back to Him, Allah wants to give us better . He just needs to see the effort of us letting go of something for the sake of Allah. Let's give this fantasy up and really work for the real thing.

Ya Allah, please give us the strength to pass this test of yours. I really want me and him to be reunited in Jannah. I can so picture a more beautiful version of ourselves, in our huge and luscious garden full of flowers everywhere, as we continue to live blissfully with our families into our perfect piece of forever... Ameen...

The best thing to do.....

Lately, I've been really honest with myself and started to ask Allah for the things that I want in this life and the Hereafter, as opposed to just asking for the things that I want in the Hereafter.

If people are trying to bring you down,

It only means that YOU'RE ABOVE THEM.

"Sekiranya seseorang itu cemburu dengan kita,  jangan 

marahi mereka.. Berterima kasihlah  

kepadanya kerana mereka sebenarnya mengagumi dan 

menyanjungi kita.

Whilst there are so many things that I cannot handle and have handled quite badly, fixing my Solat is a good start. This is a proactive and achievable step towards self improvement. Perhaps Solat is the mother of all self help. I'm hoping that being able to fix our Solat could also mean being able to handle bigger problems about to come. Allah knows best.

So guys, let us together invest in our Solat. It's all about education, education, education. Let's learn as much as we can about Solat (understanding what we're saying and perfecting it). Let's demystify khusu' (concentration) as being something of the unknown. It's about building a connection (through knowledge) in conversing with our Creator, the only One worthy of Love, Worship and Obey. 

Men whom neither trade nor sale (business) diverts them from the Remembrance of Allah (with heart and tongue), nor from performing Solat, nor from giving Zakat. They fear a Day when hearts and eyes will be overturned (out of horror of the torment of the Day of Judgement). 

An-Noor:37

Be Patient.....

How many times do we loose our cool with people? Recently, I lost my cool with someone who was very dear to my heart. I am desperate for guidance, I am desperate for Paradise, and I am desperate for Allah swt to forgive my sins. So join me in holding our emotions and be PATIENT and KIND with people. Be SMART in dealing with them. I'm gonna need a lot of help.

Whatever happens, I trust that Allah is the one taking care of my affairs. If I've done my part i.e. put in my best effort, seeking His assistance through patience and prayer, then I should chill and let Allah handle the results. If it means that I will fail and gain losses, so be it. This outcome is possible and I should be prepared if it comes. I should prepare myself to be patient with Allah's decree because it is Him that knows best, and is most Wise and Patient. 

I hate being desperate but I think Allah knows that only desperation can humble me. Allah is so Great, He just knows everything.

"Seek assistance through patience and prayer. For sure it's difficult except for those who are humble."

Al-Baqarah:45

Get Angry....Feeling Down....

I was like, eh?! And it seems that everything that has happened so far are just hitting on my nerves. Firstly, I know this isn't my character and so his. There is something must be up. Secondly, this agitated and moody feeling is something that we have to manage carefully because if not, we might end up making Allah and people around us angry. Let's not let Shaitan(the Devil) get the best of us. Only on the wrong discussion and communication both of us get very angry and upside down...Ya Allah....There is no true love accept the everlasting love is for God.....

“It’s heaven,” they say

When you love someone

And they love you back

And in their show of love

They never slack

They say things like

You’re my baby, my life

I’m yours forever

If you leave, I will die

Yes all this sweet talk

Is flattering I admit

Beggars promising kingdoms

Are typically passionate

But a majestic promise

Needs a majestic maker

And the promise of heaven

Is a majestic offer

Heaven, subhanAllah

Home and wholeness

Mysterious and Unseen

Like love

Fortress of freedom

Unshackled from struggle

Secure and Free

From loss

Contentment eternal

Forever bathed in love

Heaven could be a hut

It’d be more than enough

But Allah in His Majesty

Promises much more

Luxurious abodes

Majestic décor

Walls of gold

Floors of pearls

Magnificence, par excellence

Of all the worlds

Motivation and mockery

Irresistible, so odd

This offered to me?

A servant, so flawed

There are places in heaven

He built with His Hands

SubhanAllah

This world is just sand

So don’t promise forever

Don’t belie the fact

That we’re all beggars of time

Time we owe back

Back to Allah

Yet Al-Wadud He

Considers it a loan

Lend Him what’s His

His Jannah you’ll own

This is love personified

Incapable by you or I

Undeserved yet unmatched

From this world we must detach

Mind and heart cannot resist

Despite its blackness and disease

Ya Allah, forgive me please

I am Yours, I believe

Sad and Worrried....

I find myself in the state of much worry since it's been a month and month that my emotion is not so stable...still keep searching and searching the ways...I'm worried of everything, my life, family (Husband and children), Jobs and etc..etc...everything seem confused and blur...

At times like these, all I can do is turn to Allah for some assurance. I've been telling myself that if I try to work extra hard to increase my Iman, I wouldn't be so sad or upset knowing that Allah is handling everything. After all, I've done the best that I can and the rest is left up to Allah. But I find myself in a state of restless and easily agitated.

So I tried this and it worked! How? Because I felt that by crying, I did not push away the hurt and pain that I feel emotionally.
By crying, I did not have to deny my heart that is aching, but as my lips uttered 'glory be to Allah the Most Magnificent and the Most Praiseworthy' in the prostration state, I felt that even at times of difficulty, praising Allah calms the heart that is aching badly. 


So the pearls of wisdom that I got from this experience is, not to deny my emotions, but to allow myself to feel sad. The only difference is, instead of complaining about how I feel, just cry and busy my lips with praises to none other than Allah swt. Honestly for now, this helps....

Heart is Hurt..

When you think about matters of the heart, you cannot help but to feel helpless. It easily flutters... One minute it is happy and full of sunshine, the next minute it is in so much pain. And my heart is in so much pain when the heart is clinging on to something that it can't let go...

There's a lot of things that I can't let go. As tears of frustration and anger gushed through my cheeks.

 

In one family, we all come in different shapes and sizes. Whilst differences should be a strength that can be most beneficial, we rarely see that because we ourselves are not comfortable or secure enough to be in our own skins.

In the struggle to find God and the purpose of my existence, I found me. I am truly at peace with accepting who I am. There is nothing that I need to do or prove to myself, or to others on who I am and what I am capable of. Being a slave, really sets me free...

I am not capable, it is He that is. I am not strong, it is He that is. I am not knowledgeable, it is He that is. And knowing that I can truly depend on Him makes my life a whole lot easier... It really is...

I am no longer looking to control things anymore. I am but a traveler, begging and seeking the bounties of my Lord, none other than Allah. Life is truly easier if we learn to manage our ego (khibir) and ignorance/heedlessness (ghafla). Knowing that I am ignorant, but Allah is the Most Wise. Knowing that I am so weak and small, and Allah is Most Strong and Mighty. This is, in my opinion a good start to being at peace with oneself.

 

It's time to move on. It's time to let go of It's time to grow up. I can't believe I am 33 and I just realised how immature I am. Alhamdulillah. Although the way I found out was not ideal, but at least I've identified where I went wrong. I need to apologise though... sigh...